Loving yourself

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Love yourself. So that others will love you more. Something I learnt a long time ago. The day I left in 2hrs, with bags of stuff and never looked back. I am glad that I did that, and stick with my decision.

Cause I am better off, “grown-up”, and fighting more. James Tan watched me grow up, and I am glad we are together til the end of time, to annoy each other.

Thank you best buddy, close friend and uncle.

Warmth in December.

The 1st week into December. And it’s that exhausting. But we are trying, with many twigs and adjustment.

And I believe that we can do better.

For our future sake, we must and we will. Especially when we see each other 24/7, at every waking second.

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Side note : Cold and wet, but we are heading out at sea for a friend’s birthday. Should be fun, I hoped. :)

Midweek.

Everyone thinks that I am the luckiest girl on earth. But I really truly wonder, how lucky I truly am?

Do you consider a “huge” engagement ring lucky? Or what about the idea of me, never ever spend much? Or the very thought that what I want, I always get? Do all these considered to be lucky? Is lucky able to be count in terms of monetary and gifts?

What about the underlying meaning. Are tears and frown consider as being lucky too. Are all the sigh and frustration considered lucky too? Am I so lucky to feel this way all the time. In midst of gifts, I feel lousy. In the midst of “joy”, I feel tired.

I need a retail therapy. Cause I feel that I am left uncertain and unsure of myself, the future and us.

Last weekend of November.

The last Saturday of November, and I woke up happy, gleaming because my love is finally flying home and into my arms. The week actually passed very quickly. I didn’t think of him much like how I did in the past, but it’s still nice to see him home to me.

I can finally snuggle and fit into his mold and listening to him occasionally snore, or smell the back of him, and I am hugging him. Or simply hear him whisper I love you ever so quietly just when I got super tired.

This week marks the end of school year for me, and the impending end of my teaching career is brought much quicker and faster. But I can see my future and I struggle every single day to fight on and believe in us. Because we have already promised each other.

But still at time, I cried to myself.

Interestingly enough, I was reading someone’s blog and found it amusing. Just amusing, nothing more or less that it will affect me. But let’s just say that probably I misjudge her. She is after all a nice person, but occasionally quite a tricky person!

Happiness.

To be honest, til now, I don’t really know what’s genuine happiness. I thought that I am happy, but in true fact, I am starting to see that what I
am going through is just the motion. I never knew that I can be this unhappy.

What is my future going to be like? I can’t see it, I really can’t. I don’t know where I stand or what can I hope. I feel that I cannot do anything I please, but only to please everyone around me. And I genuinely starting to think that I am this unhappy.

Or “under happy” as what the papers claimed we are to be.

Truth to be told? I am afraid of the future, and what it might turn out to be. A separation and a divorce.

There I have said it. This is truly what I am afraid of. That I can’t handle and one thing will lead to another. I genuinely feel that I am alone on this journey. The journey that I chose it myself, on my own sole decision.

I love him, but I don’t think I can be handle this. And be the person that I am supposed to be.

I don’t know how I can’t give up my life. Seeing my students dance, I teared inside. For I know, this very life I cannot have. No more.

Can I return this ring

November looms

Recently, the weather is just pretty much insane. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold. Many times, loving cause Andrew is here with me, every waking day.

At times, I think he drives me a little angry, a little nutty. But when work is over, we are back being us, dating and loving.

Work have been so hectic, that my teaching and social life have taken a huge backseat that it is close to disappointing. Like I still cannot comprehend why I have working here. The difficulty of learning a new trade is an another thing, it is the difficulty of keeping oneself genuinely happy is another. His family is so different from mine, always at their edge of their seats, always bickering, to the point of pure hate and anger. That’s so scary. Office without the parents is better, the actual unnecessary stress is not present, people are willing to work for each other, helping and laughing is the way of life. Work was done, but with great ease and speed, because no one stopped just to fight over a pointless, insignificant matter.

Life is Easier.

But we all know that good times don’t last.

SIDE NOTE: while I am typing this post onto my MacBook Air, I realised that I have missed my iPad, like seriously, it is the most saddest thing of date that happened to me. Thanks to the boy, who played games. LOL le sigh.

 

Nearly there.

The year is coming to an end. And I am still struggling to get used to this new direction in life. I never knew that I could go beyond and over, for this man. And sometimes, I wonder hard myself.

Is it worth it?

But as we turn the light off and snuggle in bed together, I smell the familiar scent, and it remind me how much sacrifice we did for each other. We changed because of each other, our lifestyle to our everyday meals. We are so mundane that we are close to be boring. But I love it.

With every comfort you bring, I hanged on a little longer.

Finally the month is nearly coming to an end, and we brought some old colour back into our lives. And for the 1st time, strangely enough, we celebrate Halloween together.

Full blown on Saturday, from Sentosa Spooktacular to butter for a long night with good company.

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In theme with the crazy bunch, we went out to purge and kill and partied the night through. But sadly this year Halloween is so disappointing that, there is a reason why BUTTER IS CLOSING DOWN. Saturday proved that they have lost their steam!

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Nonetheless, we managed to create some drama on our own, that made the night more memorable. Fights and punches. Water and champagne. “Friends” and bullshit. The night left me tired.

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But at least my mask seriously rocked. DIY at my best, if I say so myself.

To dance is to live

Today the students gave me a fresh new wave of air to breathe, smile and be merry.

Class have finally resume, and I am so happy. Teaching and breathing the very air that I was meant to be in, energized and rejuvenate me! My mind is working on a overdrive to, come up with a choreography for next year. And the students lap up everything I say or do.

They worked so hard, and everything is so fruitful and rewarding.

I am happy.

I love my fiancĂ©e and I love myself. And I wonder if I can ever find the middle line. Could I ever? The whole journey is tiring and painful, I think I cried more than I ever did in a lifetime. In fact, I thought 4 years ago episode was supposed to be at my worst. But in fact, it’s a simple thing of letting go, and I am happy, with a lot of mixed feeling.

Happy because Andrew give me the world. And if I asked for the moon, he probably would too. But, too good is never a good thing. There is many obstacles, and I hoped that I can see the light at the end of the seemingly long and dark tunnel. Not even a single dim light in sight.

But he promised to give me his all. And I must hang on and press on.

For me and him.

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Midweek

Life should be balanced. And I feel that my life isn’t. I don’t know if it’s just today, but I am overwhelmed with so much emotions that it’s scary.

My life changed so rapidly these past few months that it’s scary. I am afraid of life. Because nothing is within my control. I used to be in controlled. I used to know what I am doing. Now, I am just being swallowed in a huge vortex of mess.

I miss my family. I truly do.

All I want is a normal life. Leading a life that have no tears because of outside factor.