To be honest, til now, I don’t really know what’s genuine happiness. I thought that I am happy, but in true fact, I am starting to see that what I
am going through is just the motion. I never knew that I can be this unhappy.
What is my future going to be like? I can’t see it, I really can’t. I don’t know where I stand or what can I hope. I feel that I cannot do anything I please, but only to please everyone around me. And I genuinely starting to think that I am this unhappy.
Or “under happy” as what the papers claimed we are to be.
Truth to be told? I am afraid of the future, and what it might turn out to be. A separation and a divorce.
There I have said it. This is truly what I am afraid of. That I can’t handle and one thing will lead to another. I genuinely feel that I am alone on this journey. The journey that I chose it myself, on my own sole decision.
I love him, but I don’t think I can be handle this. And be the person that I am supposed to be.
I don’t know how I can’t give up my life. Seeing my students dance, I teared inside. For I know, this very life I cannot have. No more.
Can I return this ring
Recently, the weather is just pretty much insane. Sometimes hot, sometimes cold. Many times, loving cause Andrew is here with me, every waking day.
At times, I think he drives me a little angry, a little nutty. But when work is over, we are back being us, dating and loving.
Work have been so hectic, that my teaching and social life have taken a huge backseat that it is close to disappointing. Like I still cannot comprehend why I have working here. The difficulty of learning a new trade is an another thing, it is the difficulty of keeping oneself genuinely happy is another. His family is so different from mine, always at their edge of their seats, always bickering, to the point of pure hate and anger. That’s so scary. Office without the parents is better, the actual unnecessary stress is not present, people are willing to work for each other, helping and laughing is the way of life. Work was done, but with great ease and speed, because no one stopped just to fight over a pointless, insignificant matter.
Life is Easier.
But we all know that good times don’t last.
SIDE NOTE: while I am typing this post onto my MacBook Air, I realised that I have missed my iPad, like seriously, it is the most saddest thing of date that happened to me. Thanks to the boy, who played games. LOL le sigh.
The year is coming to an end. And I am still struggling to get used to this new direction in life. I never knew that I could go beyond and over, for this man. And sometimes, I wonder hard myself.
Is it worth it?
But as we turn the light off and snuggle in bed together, I smell the familiar scent, and it remind me how much sacrifice we did for each other. We changed because of each other, our lifestyle to our everyday meals. We are so mundane that we are close to be boring. But I love it.
With every comfort you bring, I hanged on a little longer.
Finally the month is nearly coming to an end, and we brought some old colour back into our lives. And for the 1st time, strangely enough, we celebrate Halloween together.
Full blown on Saturday, from Sentosa Spooktacular to butter for a long night with good company.
In theme with the crazy bunch, we went out to purge and kill and partied the night through. But sadly this year Halloween is so disappointing that, there is a reason why BUTTER IS CLOSING DOWN. Saturday proved that they have lost their steam!
Nonetheless, we managed to create some drama on our own, that made the night more memorable. Fights and punches. Water and champagne. “Friends” and bullshit. The night left me tired.
But at least my mask seriously rocked. DIY at my best, if I say so myself.
Today the students gave me a fresh new wave of air to breathe, smile and be merry.
Class have finally resume, and I am so happy. Teaching and breathing the very air that I was meant to be in, energized and rejuvenate me! My mind is working on a overdrive to, come up with a choreography for next year. And the students lap up everything I say or do.
They worked so hard, and everything is so fruitful and rewarding.
I am happy.
I love my fiancée and I love myself. And I wonder if I can ever find the middle line. Could I ever? The whole journey is tiring and painful, I think I cried more than I ever did in a lifetime. In fact, I thought 4 years ago episode was supposed to be at my worst. But in fact, it’s a simple thing of letting go, and I am happy, with a lot of mixed feeling.
Happy because Andrew give me the world. And if I asked for the moon, he probably would too. But, too good is never a good thing. There is many obstacles, and I hoped that I can see the light at the end of the seemingly long and dark tunnel. Not even a single dim light in sight.
But he promised to give me his all. And I must hang on and press on.
For me and him.
Because we can do it. You and me. And the whole new future.
Life should be balanced. And I feel that my life isn’t. I don’t know if it’s just today, but I am overwhelmed with so much emotions that it’s scary.
My life changed so rapidly these past few months that it’s scary. I am afraid of life. Because nothing is within my control. I used to be in controlled. I used to know what I am doing. Now, I am just being swallowed in a huge vortex of mess.
I miss my family. I truly do.
All I want is a normal life. Leading a life that have no tears because of outside factor.
Are you disappointed with me?
Are you disappointed of me abandoning my dream, my love and my life?
Are you disappointed that I am no longer special?
Are you disappointed?
Denise are you disappointed with Denise?
September have arrived, and in the midst of it. I am still am alien and outsider. I feel so disconnected from the family. And feel no love from “the parents”. I try so hard, but all they do is to throw me into the gallon. Into the jaws of death. Into the mindless torture.
It’s so difficult to juggle the me and who I am supposed to be. It’s so difficult to please the world. It’s so difficult to let the whole world be happy. And at the end of the day, the only person miserable is myself.
Today, I am so miserable. So tired. And just so sad. I don’t know what to do, and most importantly, I don’t even know if it’s really worth it.
If I have to always fight with Andrew daily, is working together worth ending our relationship? I wished that we could work hard together and achieve the things we love and like. But today showed how much it is tearing us apart.
On the way home, we are like strangers. Once more.
House hunting. Where do I begin?
Everyone thinks that I am lucky marrying into a rich family, and that whatever I want, I can have. Bit in true reality, we are worse than anyone in Singapore.
We are in fact poor, and just any other common man you see on the street. We are pretty much just a normal couple, struggling to afford anything in Singapore.
House hunting have proven to be so difficult for both us. It’s difficult not because we can’t find something that we like. But because we are restricted and controlled by the parents (I am not pointing to which). Basically we have to please the whole universe. And it is starting to wear us thin.
I can see frustration in his eyes, and I can feel defeated in myself. So many no and so many opinions that it felt like we are not doing anything for ourselves. But simply to make “the parents” happy. It’s frustrating cause it’s supposed to be a challenging but happy process. Not something you have to dread and think and be angry with.
I am trying to please “the parents”, by listening to their every NO. But it’s starting to wear me thin.
So at the end, I will choose to be happy. And for the sake of us, we shall find some place we are contented and chosen it because we are comfortable and loving the place. Not just for anyone but ourselves.
The 1st September weekend is here. And I have so much to share. All these years of being together, the pain and joy, the heartache and love, the obstacles and journey.
We have finally step into a new stage in life.
How did he do it? Many might ask.
It’s rather a long story. Only my closest will ever know. In short, he surprised not only to me but to the whole entire world. We were flooded with msges. Many too difficult to reply.
We have been together for the 2nd year (not like how some people claimed that they are together for 6years. I think her maths kinda fail).
And Senso have always been a very special place for us. From the 1st official dinner together as boyfriend and girlfriend. To our 1st anniversary, right down to his supposed proposal.
As much as he is silly, hot tempered and very “木” as some call him. I love him for loving me so much more than the world can offer.
We stick through all the hardest moments. And we will stick together til the end of time. We are the clingiest couple anyone can see. And we are making the perfect imperfect couple anyone have known.
Working together and living together, I am still in love with you.
We see each other every single second. And I cannot believe that we bond together even tighter and closer.
Although the long hard path is still far from over, I am still glad that we held onto each other tightly. And support each other through the tough times.
We will work hard together for us and us alone. Because at the end of the day, we only have each other to live for.
Just you and me