Are you embarrassed?

While I am holding you up, who is holding me up?

I was talking to my teacher-IC just awhile ago. And it just hit me, my life is changing. And honestly? I am so unclear of its future.

Casual question like “where am I teaching? And what am I doing?” Struck me pretty hard because in turn I had to answer those questions not just for him to know (out of curiosity) but answering it to myself.

What am I doing? Doing something so foreign and out of my league. It’s difficult really. “Who am I?” Is a question that I can never answer.

Oh baby I wished that we can really do our own things. Without a care of the world, just truly work hard for ourselves. But for you, I conformed.

Monday blues

I am lying by his side, looking at his back, and feeling every pain off his back.

And strangely enough, I had a sudden bout of rendezvous. I remember seeing this very scene years ago, at this very moment in time. And I never knew that, the person I am looking on is you.

I will stand by you, watching over you. Even when the world don’t understand what are you going through. Sleep well, sleep tight and wake up to the old you. The you that I fell in love and continue to love to the end of time.

I will not leave you, because you are my greatest treasure. As I am to you.

PS: 12.35pm, I called my mom. And I couldn’t control my tears. I hoped that we are going through wouldn’t hurt us, baby. I don’t want this to be a reason for another rough patch. We have to be strong.

July || At its Best

It’s been awhile since I visit this page. What a month this July had been, and it’s only the 10th.

Where do I start?

I am with Andrew 24/7, working and being with til night, right back into the bed. Working with him and his family have been tough, I literally have to learn everything from scratch. It’s been stressful but so fulfilling.

Teaching is back on course but, many changes needed. Taking and handling double jobs, trying to a superwoman is not easy. Extreme tiredness is how I describe myself.

July also marks my anniversary with Andrew. And although we didn’t do anything fancy, it was still a special day to remember. We return to our special dinner place to celebrate that quiet day. Simplicity at its best.

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July too, marks the twins birthday. I love them both from the moon and back. One being my amazing boyfriend. And the other being my amazing older brother. Both within a short amount of time, brought me a lot of joy and happiness. And for that, I am forever grateful and happy to have them both. My right and left hand.

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But today marks a whole new 1st. Today marks that we as a couple had met a small and hard obstacle. And today marks out strength in unity and love. Because of today, I know that we need each other so much. You and me, we still have a lifetime of life to go.

Baby, no matter where you are and how you feel. I am always here for you, til the end of time. I love you way to much to leave you. Ever. I will stand by you, no matter what.

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Sunday

Sunday was unusual for us of the both of us. The family meeting was intense and nervous for me (I am not sure about Andrew), and listening to what his parents have to say, I have to say is frightening to me. A lot of mixed feelings, and I am not sure how to actually pen the emotion down. What his father said, do have some truth and when he mentioned a singular statement, I couldn’t believe that he seemed to know where I am heading and what I had in mind all along. 

“Now or Never”

There is a lot on my plate, and so much I need to change myself for them. And I am not sure if it is worth it, to lose myself so deeply that I am left with nothing, but strangely for him, I am trying my best.

My manners according to his father is seriously lacking, and it hurts so much to hear because it is aimed directly to my parents. I do not understand what he means by manners. I tried to do more, but it seemed that I will be forever lacking.

I wonder if Andrew have any thought into Sunday or is it just me? Whatever the case, I will enjoy my every waking moment with me, tip the day where we cannot anymore. And then I know it wasn’t meant to be. 

Life is simple when you want it to be. And all I want is simpler days with you.

Is it all worth it?

Today I am a fool.

A big one. A fool that have no idea where to hide her face, feeling every bit like an ostrich, and wanting to bury her face into the ground.

I have come to realization that I am doing so much that I have finally lost myself. Is it all worth it? To bend over backwards to please and seek approval that even my parents wouldn’t need it. Who am I really doing for? For myself? Or for them?

Sitting here alone, lost and not knowing what to do next sucks. It really do, and it showed how alone I am on this journey. I feel like fish out of the water, uncertain and unclear of my future and path.

Best of all, unclear of myself.

Who am I again? Who is Denise? I am losing sight and losing goal. Just not confident anymore.

Just yesterday, Andrew told me that I don’t have a sense of humor anymore. And I am so tense, and can’t take joke anymore. It’s true, I feel myself so unlike myself. I am no longer the person, everyone knew. No longer carefree or relax.

Tense is the word.

I feel myself afraid of everything, that I have nothing, not even myself. Where would I go? Try and rewind and revert to my job as an educator and try to compete with the fresh graduates and start from ground zero? Can I even?

Today, I am the biggest fool.

Last 2 weeks

Monday passes just so fast! I feel so unproductive, I need to meet more friends before July starts. And my life will changed almost 360 degrees.

Stepping into it, is both exciting and scary at the same time. It’s just quite insane. Moving forward with Andrew seem so right yet so uncertain. Because as much as we talked about it, and feel about it.

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. Really.

“Baby are we ready for the adventure of our lifetime? Are we ready for a life together?”

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P/S: just gossiped with Babeh, and seriously some things never change. Those guys I knew were and still are assholes. I am happy that I was strong and moving forward. Because I know my worth. And because I found someone shared the same love.

I love you.