Pain

Denise?

Are you disappointed with me?

Are you disappointed of me abandoning my dream, my love and my life?

Are you disappointed that I am no longer special?

Are you disappointed?

Denise are you disappointed with Denise?

September have arrived, and in the midst of it. I am still am alien and outsider. I feel so disconnected from the family. And feel no love from “the parents”. I try so hard, but all they do is to throw me into the gallon. Into the jaws of death. Into the mindless torture.

It’s so difficult to juggle the me and who I am supposed to be. It’s so difficult to please the world. It’s so difficult to let the whole world be happy. And at the end of the day, the only person miserable is myself.

Today, I am so miserable. So tired. And just so sad. I don’t know what to do, and most importantly, I don’t even know if it’s really worth it.

If I have to always fight with Andrew daily, is working together worth ending our relationship? I wished that we could work hard together and achieve the things we love and like. But today showed how much it is tearing us apart.

On the way home, we are like strangers. Once more.

House oh house

House hunting. Where do I begin?

Everyone thinks that I am lucky marrying into a rich family, and that whatever I want, I can have. Bit in true reality, we are worse than anyone in Singapore.

We are in fact poor, and just any other common man you see on the street. We are pretty much just a normal couple, struggling to afford anything in Singapore.

House hunting have proven to be so difficult for both us. It’s difficult not because we can’t find something that we like. But because we are restricted and controlled by the parents (I am not pointing to which). Basically we have to please the whole universe. And it is starting to wear us thin.

I can see frustration in his eyes, and I can feel defeated in myself. So many no and so many opinions that it felt like we are not doing anything for ourselves. But simply to make “the parents” happy. It’s frustrating cause it’s supposed to be a challenging but happy process. Not something you have to dread and think and be angry with.

I am trying to please “the parents”, by listening to their every NO. But it’s starting to wear me thin.

So at the end, I will choose to be happy. And for the sake of us, we shall find some place we are contented and chosen it because we are comfortable and loving the place. Not just for anyone but ourselves.

September 2014

The 1st September weekend is here. And I have so much to share. All these years of being together, the pain and joy, the heartache and love, the obstacles and journey.

We have finally step into a new stage in life.

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How did he do it? Many might ask.

It’s rather a long story. Only my closest will ever know. In short, he surprised not only to me but to the whole entire world. We were flooded with msges. Many too difficult to reply.

We have been together for the 2nd year (not like how some people claimed that they are together for 6years. I think her maths kinda fail).

And Senso have always been a very special place for us. From the 1st official dinner together as boyfriend and girlfriend. To our 1st anniversary, right down to his supposed proposal.

As much as he is silly, hot tempered and very “木” as some call him. I love him for loving me so much more than the world can offer.

We stick through all the hardest moments. And we will stick together til the end of time. We are the clingiest couple anyone can see. And we are making the perfect imperfect couple anyone have known.

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Working together and living together, I am still in love with you.

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Every single day

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We see each other every single second. And I cannot believe that we bond together even tighter and closer.

Although the long hard path is still far from over, I am still glad that we held onto each other tightly. And support each other through the tough times.

We will work hard together for us and us alone. Because at the end of the day, we only have each other to live for.

Just you and me

Teacher VS. Office Lady

What if I don’t get used to this life? What am I going to do? Will I regret for life?

I don’t know

Today I feel terrible teaching my classes, just cause I couldn’t be there for all my students. Before my night class, I was watching my secondary school rehearsal piece and I was annoyed and pissed largely at myself, for not being there for them. Or to give them the much needed advice and guidance for them to go through the rehearsal. And in the end? The rehearsal was less than desired.

It was BAD.

And I want to be there for them, but I have to please his parents by being in the office. And I just feel unhappy. Right now. Must I really have to please them? What about me? Am I truly happy?!

I still live in fear. It’s not good, my mom asked me too many difficult questions, that sometimes I just want to cry. I don’t know how to face my family. I really don’t know how.

Are you sure, that you want to be with me?

Hello august.

One month had passed. And all I can say, it’s a long 30days. I wonder how I can survive for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I was in a bit of a shock. We walked in and we were looking at something bling and something small. And all I can say, I am scared and nervous all at the same time..

August and it’s going to be my grandfather’s 100days.

Oh gong gong, I do hoped that you are well and comfortable. Watch over us and popo, guide and protect us along the way. We missed you.

Saturday pain

The hardest is today. Saturday, and am I not doing enough? Really not doing enough? To insult my family upbringing is painful. I don’t know what else to do.

I am so tired. I give up so much for this family. And honestly I don’t know how much I can hold on. All I know, is that the string is stretch so thin.

Pls don’t give up just yet, Denise.

Are you embarrassed?

While I am holding you up, who is holding me up?

I was talking to my teacher-IC just awhile ago. And it just hit me, my life is changing. And honestly? I am so unclear of its future.

Casual question like “where am I teaching? And what am I doing?” Struck me pretty hard because in turn I had to answer those questions not just for him to know (out of curiosity) but answering it to myself.

What am I doing? Doing something so foreign and out of my league. It’s difficult really. “Who am I?” Is a question that I can never answer.

Oh baby I wished that we can really do our own things. Without a care of the world, just truly work hard for ourselves. But for you, I conformed.