Strange dreams keep recurring and I need to know why it is happening. Why is it that people dream of things that are not meant to. Why is it that my Mother can have weird dreams of him, talking and having a conversation. What the fuck does that even means? Why is it that people around me, are asking me questions. I thought everything is over. But I guess it is still far to being over.
Sure, my current life schedule is fucked.
Sure, my weekends are virtually non-existent.
Sure, my eating timings are down the drain
Sure, my dating life is not longer there
But somehow I think I know where I belong. Alone but fulfilled. Til something better comes along.
Cause food do bring so much joy, as much as regret! But at least they never disappoint.
Side note: I never knew that I put on so much weight til now. And basically I resign to my fate.
Meeting friends, and see how they are. And hearing how much admiration they have for me, and my decision to walked away.
I just don’t know.
Sometimes I wished I had it different.
But somehow I guess life have other plans for me.
I just don’t know
The saddest thing would be disappointing your Grandmother. When she looked at you with disappointment, because as the oldest grandchild you failed her miserably. Because she still keep asking about the man that you are supposed to marry, and you have no answer for her. And because she just looked at you with such pity and sadness that it will make you uncomfortable that you probably want to cry. But you held it all in.
Talking to Adeline, give me a sense of ease. She assured that I have a life ahead of me, and settling for something less will just make me, unhappy.
Returning back to work for nearly a year, have rendered me physically, mentally and emotionally tired. At most time, I am still lost. But life do still go on. I am stuck in the limbo of not knowing what I should be doing.
Not sure if I am happy working and restarting. Not sure if I should do something entirely differently. Simply so many loop-holes of uncertainty that it sometimes annoys the shit out of me.
Saturday, has come. Time to whip myself back to the studio. Come on achy body, we can do this
I swear some people are just so insensitive. And I have to care about you and your needs? And I have to make you happy? What about mine, that you are hurting?
Irritated now. Now you know why I just like to isolate myself from people. Because at the end of the day, true friends are probably only one handful.