2018

First week of 2018, I was looking forward to a fresh start. And who knew, things come back into a full circle.

I wonder who is the confused one. Me or him. We had talks. We tried. We feel. That passion. That twinkle. Or am I just dreaming? Hoping? And overthinking?

I think we are not making progress and yet, we can’t let each other go. Why is that so. Why is it so hard to move on to greater things.

What is making me hold back and stop all tracks and think about this. Do I still have feelings for you? Am I still secretly waiting for you. I’m confused with my heart, and with my mind. I am not sure what this will bring.

Would it be more pain, would it be all the same.

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Leeches

Sometimes, I just have to stop spending time with people who basically love to leech on others.

As much as I love you, but it’s time to stop too. You’re a close Sister to me, but honestly your family drama will never end and it’s rubbing off onto you. Basically a freeloader.

Asking you out, doesn’t mean that I am paying for everything. I don’t like the fact that you outright tell me that you’re broke, but you turned up. What did you expect me to do?

Turn you away?

Don’t get you a drink, every time I am having one?

Or leech on my friends?

Girl, you want something. Please work for it! You’re a girl, you can don some makeup and wear pretty clothes, and basically have men buying you rounds. Don’t just stand there, sulking and not mingle. Then what’s the point of telling me that you’re BORED at home.

I don’t get it, girl.

Maybe that’s why people always disappointed when I want to invite you. Their face seemed to tell me all. The fact they you expect them to “shower” you with everything.

THEY ARE MY FRIENDS. Not someone whom you pick up at the club.

They don’t like your personality.

Winter holiday 2017: Day 1 & 2 (AMSTERDAM)

So basically, I threw myself out there and fly to Europe for a short 10days trip, because you can’t really depend on anyone.

It is one of my best decision made this year! Travelling at my own pace, looking and taking in all the sight and sound. Talking to locals. Being a lot more independent and braver. And basically relying on Google map (he is my Best Friend), to get me around.

At times, it can be quiet, lonely cause you want to share the moment. But it is something that I am learning to be, alone but not lonely.

Baby steps, Denise. And keep exploring the world, because when are you ever do it?

So basically I flew to Amsterdam, not knowing what to expect, because I didn’t really plan much, and read up on the city. But did google saved the point of interest that I would like to go, and work my way around the area.

Amsterdam treated me well, with snow and friendly people. With many helped to lugged my luggage up and down the tram, because damnit that thing is still larger than me (although I have already tried to “pack” light).

In general, if you looked beyond the coffeeshops (they sell weeds and spacecakes, do note the different between that and cafe; latter being a real coffee place) and red light district, Amsterdam is the city of culture and history. I was so blown away by their support in the arts, in all form. To see Van Gogh painting up close, is amazing.

And their tolerance to all religion as long as they are kept out of sight (thus lead the church in houses). Our Lord In The Attic, is rich of history and grandeur, seeing how people build Churches as grand and cathedrals that fit right into an actual Amsterdam houses was simply amazing.

And oh, the CHEESES! They are so delicious that I just want to buy them all back home! Truly stunning, and rich in flavours that I have never heard or seen back in Singapore.

Mid year

Last night, was interesting. I went out to socialise, only to realise how lonely I am. I was introduced to a bunch of people whom, isn’t too bothered, with nonchalant vibe of the “power” and the “rich”. And here I was, the tiny Dancer who isn’t worthy of the air they so breathe in. 

Empty clinking of cocktail glasses, and meaningless conversations and small talks, seriously make me wonder why did I even bother. Then I remember that I needed to be out, in the society of emptiness. Because that how the world works, the powerful will gather, and the rich will make sure they know the rich. The vicious cycle that managed to make the world as it is, soulless and utterly grey. 

Grey. 

How grey last night was. Here I was bored to tears, with no one to talk to, and here my old “Friend”, H, trying his best, to make known around the table. Being introduced as his girl, is the last thing I want. Honestly, I looked on, in utter dismay and tinge of redundancy. 

Why am I here again?! 

Just as I want to leave, another older Friend made an effort to swing by, after I blatantly ignore all text messages. Because well everything is pointless at this stage. Arms after arms around my waist, or on my shoulder, talking on top of me, it was not flattering. Half of the time, I don’t even make an effort to remember anyone. Let alone these people whom I will never see again.  

But yet, I was so glad to see him. 

At 36, he is still so dashing and pretty much so exotic. He looked just the same, 7 years ago. The physical, and his intense eyes, sparkles when our eyes meet. That big teddy bear hug, and the soft whisper into my ears. 

“I can’t believe that you haven’t aged. And in fact you looked more gorgeous than I ever remembered”. 

His relaxed and “totally can’t be bothered” laugh and his infectious passion for children and competition. I was feeding off him, every inch of my body remember his so well, from the intense talks to the even more electrifying touch. 
Suddenly everyone around us was aware of this chemistry, like we have never parted ever before. We just pick right off, from where we left. And everything was old but comforting. Even my old Friend, H, was annoyed by my sudden attention on this 36 year old man. Now that was funny, seeing him trying to get into between us, like a puppy dying for attention. But I wasn’t interested anymore. 

Eventually it was just me and him, in darkness and nightlight. Memories rushed back, like waves hitting the shoreline. The old music ring deep and loud into our ears, it was like a cruel playback of how we meet 7 years ago. So much to do, so little time. But time, isn’t and will never be on our side. He is happily married and I am happily lost in translation. We talked, and wondered what is it like if we were actually together. 

“It would be magical”, as he caress my face, looking into my eyes so intensely. 

Probably we will have too much fun together and maybe that is why we never actually got together seriously. But yet, probably we have so much fun that we will not let go of each other. Regret, I asked him. Whether he regretted, and he could only give me a sheepish smile. My stomach twisted in knots when I see that smile, as he stroke my hair.

Yes, I have missed him. 

Yes I have missed that passion of his. The excitement when he talked about his children and all the accomplishments. His life was so similar to mine, and yet so different. I missed those late night calls and talks, very random but very exciting. We were so young once. 

So young. 

And that strong hold, oh how I have missed that body of his, wrapped around me. But all I could have now is that longing single goodbye hug as we parted ways, and probably meet another 3 years later on. 

See you again my old friend.

Today I watch my ballet girls school performance. It was an invitation that I couldn’t refuse. Their excitement and eagerness to show and present what they work hard for, I simply couldn’t say no. 

It brought back so many memories of my time in school. All the hard work, just so people I love would enjoy the final piece as much as me. The joy of being on stage. The joy of the spotlight. 

I missed it terribly 

And as I type this, it struck me to wonder what is it like to be settled down with children. Seeing these proud parents, looking on lovingly, and I just have to wonder about mine. 

At 29, everyone have settled down, many with children and many with their life set in order. 

At 29, I can’t help but to feel like my life is in a limbo right now. Caught in some inception game of dreams and reality, and pretty much still lost in transition.