But it will take awhile. Everything still haunts me like ghosts. It has been this long, but I can’t go forwards. I still cry myself to bed, or I just have very bad insomias. I think about the future I thought I was going to have. And in that lonely moment, I realise how alone I am. It’s very hard to let people know how I am feeling, I don’t usually tell much.
Picking myself up again, after being in pieces is the hardest thing. But life still goes on.
A friend just asked me that. I do not know if I ever find love. Love come and go. Love don’t usually stay around long enough for me to age and smile looking at that same face age together with me. What is love? I will never know.
I loved two men in life, two whom I shared dreams and hope. Both crushed those future. Both never stop to look back. Both continued, without a care or a thought.
So what is love?
In this lifetime, I don’t think I believe in love. Love is temporary. Love is simply affection. Love do not last forever. Love simply is a passing moment.
We have been friends for 10 years. Seeing you finally after so many years, bring back all the good school days memories of dances and ballet. Of crazy teachers and classmates. Of your scents and touch, and all the things we did together in school. Of the lifts and turns, and every painful stretch.
Last night fond memories makes me realised how much I miss those carefree, happy days. School brought us together, and life continues to bring us together.
Today I woke up feeling every inch of unhappiness and resentment. Things happen for a reason. But yet, I cannot comprehend. Life just plays jokes on me.
I feel like I let my family down time and time again.
It just one of those nights, that you simply can’t sleep. I feel slightly down tonight.
I am stuck at a turning chapter of my life. Should I start another relationship and just allow someone to take care of my well being, heart and soul?
How true to the statement of “when one door is close, another will open”. It seemed like it’s happening to me. It’s quite frightening, at the same time, a sense of blessing? Just when I am enjoying myself, being myself. Being the happiest girl, as what my mother once told Andrew.
Happiness do change a person. It radiates that beauty, that glow, that smile. It’s brilliance shine so bright that it’s attracting people. The warmth and genuine smile, attracts people to take the second look.
But somehow I am only attracted to an old soul. But that old soul, cannot be touched.
Of wine and ice cream. Of burgers and beers. Of New York and Singapore. Of yoga and dance.
Honestly I don’t. I don’t like to listen to people’s sympathy. I honestly don’t. I don’t like people to be so bothered about my life. I honestly don’t. I don’t need people tell me that they understand.
Because you will never will.
I have four men know loves me the way I am.
To my father, the Rock in my life. The quiet man who tear for me inside. The man who will protect me to the end of his life. The hero in my heart. The first love of my life. The man who cares for me since birth. The man who loves me since the day he set his eyes on me. The true undying love. The only real love.
To my brother. The quick-tempered that kills whoever that hurts me. The sensible one who logical astound me. The gastronomic who shares when I ask for some. The only brother whom I share the same blood.
To panda, the man I partied hard with. The man that is my other brother. The man who listens and advices. The old soul in the a young man body. The drunk who speaks the truth. The party animal who cares for me. The protector on the dance floor. The kind who shares his life. The brother who texts me constantly. The panda who always tell me how much he miss his Mei Mei. The levelhead who always hold my broken heart. The concerned who will share his world. The brother from another mother.
To my best friend, the man that I should be marry. The man who stand by me all the trying times. The sensitive that house me. The understanding that feeds me ice cream. The other half that checks on me frequently. The only man that I had the longest history with. The man that loves me for who I am. The care taker who will rescue me wherever that I am. The man whom I can share the bed without a worry. The sleepyhead who drunk talk to me in HK. The drunk whom I share many nights and bottles with. The shoulder that I cry on constantly. The gentlemen who will always make sure that I am safe. The only man who treats me right. The man who loves me.
it’s been awhile since I wrote anything here. But tonight I know that my mind will run wild, and I probably going to have an insomnia.
I received the letter.
I tried so hard to push the past out of my life. But somehow it has a way of creeping back into my life. So many what ifs and too little real answerS. All I know, is that I hope history do not reply itself. Because that will be my ultimate utter big fat joke!
It happened once, and it may happened once more. How many times do I have to go through this bashing. And suddenly I hate him, the person who knows my broken heart all so well, destroy the very same heart at the very same moment. Why is it so hard for me, to find someone willing to accept the very person that I am?
Dear god, please do not let the past repeat itself. Do not let me know that all I did in the past, will always end at the same.
It’s like death on me. Truly a death on me.