Trapped

I really feel that I am trapped and shouldn’t be here at all. I feel that what I have been doing has brought nothing more other than pain. I don’t understand why I try so hard, and life is hitting us harder. What’s the point. 

They say that we are always fighting. But let me tell you, who and what cause it all. What are we always arguing about? They say it’s our bloody problem. I can tell you, it’s not. We are fine by ourselves. We have no issues, or quarrels. We have not disagreement or fights. We have none. We are not perfect, but we try to love each other a little more every single day. 

But why are we having this issue? I don’t feel like hanging on anymore. Everyone loves to butt in. But it’s our lives. And not yours. We are two people. 

Two people fighting to hold on. 

Sunday Thoughts

I don’t think I can ever understand myself and all the decisions I have made. What have I benefit from all these plans and sacrifice? I don’t know? I don’t understand? Why is it that I am the only one not happy.

Here I am on a beautiful Sunny Sunday, wasting the precious Sunday. Lock in a house that is not mine, or comfortable. Always reminding myself to serve and deliver, and always reminding myself of all the “P”s and “Q”s. And all for what? All for the fact that I am stuck with a man, who lost himself, and in return I have lost myself. I have walk so far into the deep dark tunnel, that I have no longer see any light.

I should be on the street people watching, meeting my friends, or even have a book, reading AWAY from this dungeon. Why am I still sacrificing myself further, so that the man I am about to marry is getting away with every murder.

But with all this being said, I know that I am all alone. I cannot trust my life to this man that I am about to marry. Mama taught me so, because as much as he loves me and I love him, he have not proven himself worthy of my whole entire life. he have not shown me the actually stability and care for me. No, I have come to realised that he is a selfish being, and I too must protect myself.

So tell me, why am going through all these?

Why am I such a train wreck?

Wedding planning

To be honest, I am not even excited about my own special day. It’s been stretched too long, and blocked out by so many obstacles. I am not even confident about myself anymore. 

Whatever everyone likes already. Afterall this wedding is not mine. 

Happy birthday sweet Denise. 

 

So the month is coming to an end, and  all the ups and down should also end with this chapter. 

I have faced this month with extreme of sadness, and joy. I doubt myself, and I took another leap of faith. But ultimately, this is not over. 

My life as Denise Ong is slowly disappearing, and the term “Mrs Goh” is looming closer. I wonder, do I even want to be a Mrs when I have everything I need in my life, love, family and dance. 

The trying period now is even harder than before, and I always fight with myself to stay hopeful. In all tears and pain, I see you. And I know, I need to hang on. I have proven myself long enough that I need to stand up for myself. 

I am not a bad person, and I am not a slut. I teach because I love my life, and I love what I do. I don’t dance to seduce men and neither did I dance to hope to gain a man (dancers would know what and how I feel. In facing children all day and night long, you tell me? What man?). How can Anyone possibly think that I will ever? I mean seriously?! 

Then what’s the point of settling down. 

I am honestly disappointed and utterly upset that “you-know-who” thinks that my job is so bad that it’s unspeakable and that I am just another money digger. Or another worthless person. 

I show you who I am. 

Because I believe that I can. Watch me. 

March

My birthday month is here. Time fly really fast, and soon my school SYF competition is here.

Life is zooming past fast, and I am stuck thinking hard as well, in my next step. Hardwork I can handle, but exactly what i should be doing now?

We need a change of business fast, to make our future easier to live by. Day by day, we are not making progress. Because he is procrastinating.

And I hate him for that! What’s the point of complaining so much, if he is not doing anything. I swear, sometimes he just don’t care. I am annoyed. But anyhow, I will go on with my inner thoughts and plan of we are going ahead, I guess I am really alone. And I have only myself to blame and push on since I choose this path.

I hoped it’s worth it!