Being sick is no joke, especially when you are spending the last 2 days in bed when the others are all out merry-making.
I am burning up so bad, that mummy dearest is worried like fuck. Feeling cold and hot all over is driving me insane, and finally my nose is irritating me to the max.
Today I am feeling fucking emotional, so vulnerable, and utterly horrible. I have been thinking a lot. Reflecting on the past year, especially those final months. It had certainly been a wild roller-coaster ride for me.
I am not sure where I am heading in the new year. I have no plans for 2010. I am like a zombie, a slave, a ghost. I do not know what else to think anymore.
Have I changed so badly that people around me starts to say so. Am I that different person altogether?
Where is that fun-loving girl who do not care about the world? She is disappearing into the dust.
Where is that opinionated girl who stands to her beliefs? She is starting to sway.
Where is that passion-driven girl who pushes on and on til she achieve? She is a thing in the past.
Numerous questions are being asked, but none answered. When people start to notice except me, it is a frightening thought. I am not sure who to turn and pour out everything single thing that have been happening to me. Some of the past events that seriously scares and worries me. I am like a tiny mouse, scurrying to the tiny hole and hide. Smiling like nothing has happened, and burying everything deep into the brain, hoping time to wash them away.
All that I can do is to keep quiet, think it through slowly and ponder on decisions. It is time to be brave.
This new year, I have to fight for my rights. Speak up and not to be afraid, even it means for the worse. This new year shall be my turning point in life.
It has to be… For I have intended to wipe that stupid pathetic fake smile off my face, for good.
