Sometimes, I really do not know what am I doing. Or whether whatever I have done for the past 5mnths had been the right choice. But yet it had been quite an experience, I have tried to do stuff, I never thought I would. I have done stuff so wild, that it is best kept as a secret and I have certainly done stuff that..
Remembering back when I was younger, boy was I fuck nerdy and goody-goody. Listened to teachers, Laoshi, and mummy to every single drop of detail. And when I entered fuck beng sch (: Hahahahaha, it was the most hilarious times. An IJ girl in an Ah Beng school, just cause my mother was so afraid that I would simply turned into a lesbian. But yet she was worried that I would have a bf and next thing, you know it, BANG* I have a child.
Random shit, but my mother certainly have one of the most vivid minds ever! Paranoid to the max, and gossip auntie number 1 (:
But yeah, day in and day out. I simply the follower. I was made the leader a couple of times, but life is always chaotic when I am made leader (: Nothing actually seemed to go according to plan, and there will always be last minutes changes and back-up plan. But at the same time, no one can complain that I am boring, rigid and dull.
Hahahahha and the things I do in the Chinese Dance troupe was madness, even though I always listen to Laoshi. No boyfriends, show her my report books, screen my friends, follow her to Eunos, and dance 10-10pm every Saturday and Sunday too, and always get derailed and degraded to the tiniest dirt.
Or the times in Cheng ballet, I was dancing every fucking single day, that damn I had no life. I couldn’t take a break or go and have family time. I was so horrible cause I was so out of touch with everything and anything that, I was suddenly so alone! And Mr Cheng certainly did a darn good job in making my final few days in Cheng weird, and made me rethink, what do I really want. Cause it lmost felt as if he fucking own me, which was horrible especially after what he had told me.
And those two-years.. I don’t even know where to begin, those close to me will know what am I talking about. And how foolish I was too, and how annoyed am I to have been one of the lead in the fucking drama series. I should get like the best actress award for crying for days, and putting such an awesome front to the rest of the world. My life, was planned out and I thought well, it looked like a good plan, and I should follow. Even though, I have to sacrifice a lot of me. But sadly that crashed faster than the stock market.
And now, even at the present moment, everyone wants to plan my life out according to them, and til now, people are telling what I should and should not do. And funnily enough, they ain’t my parents. If you knew about my childhood stories, you will know that my parents are the craziest lot, with the funniest restriction and horrible punishments.
My mother is so paranoid, and always think of the worst. Like I would die in some random country, if she is not going on holiday with me. Or if I am out too late, some dude will simply captured and rape me. Or going to camps, I would die falling off the ropes. In other words, I would just suddenly died horribly if I am not around her constantly.
My father on the other hand, pent out punishment that you would laugh. He is so scary that even my cousins knows that he is not to be reckoned and play with. Daddy gives such a murderous look, that even his own mother is afraid of him! LOL
So with both wacky person, as my parents, how in the world I can ever make my own decision? Not possible, everything is planned and calculated. Even when they allowed me to pursue dance, it was the fact I told and assured them that I will not have butterfly dreams and be a teacher.
But they have started to let go and find peace. Maybe it’s because they have seen their daughter at her worst, in tears and in hiding. Or perhaps, they realised that I need to fly and they need to stop worrying. Or maybe they saw the 360 degree change in their daughter that it have started to frighten them, that they don’t know what to do. Hahahaha whatever it is, mummy says she trust me!
Haha, I mean WTF right! I’ll bet mummy paranoia was going on overdrive. But hey I ain’t complaining, cause I opened up to her more so than before. She is certainly still all that nonsensical.
So when my parents have let go, why can’t the rest of the fucking world. That I cannot understand. Why can’t for once, I decide what I want to do, even though some decisions made are going to be wrong wrong and horrible. Why can’t I..