February has been a month of self-doubt, self-questioning, self-exploring, and self-acceptance.
This month has been such a crazy ride, that I broke down while teaching, having numerous lack of sleep and finally fell sick. But here I am, not fully prepared but nonetheless, ready for tomorrow. Rehearsal will kick off in full swing, and I cannot imagine that I have only 1 more month to prepare my students. The costumes looked all set and ready, and I am doing the last batch of headpieces. But alas, in these recent days I have been quite lazy, and super un-motivated to do any of the shit. But it is ok, I will strive on harder.
Life have also more or less is stable. I have realised like while it is good to hope, it is also good to be real. I’m a Pisces and I am the dreamer among everyone. It’s my nature and personality and I can’t help it but to have a lot of dreams and hope. Maybe it is because my birthday is coming, as kindly reminded by my ballet girls, that I have seem to mature a little more. I have finally come to terms to know what to fight for and what should let go and live as it is. And darn, it feels so bloody good to be in control. Though sometimes, I still run off with a little dreaming, I know at the end of the day I’m simply human without any miracle or special power (as kindly told by Darren).
I found out that I am so easily affected by anything or anyone. Be it family, friends or love. I am so sensitive that it annoys the shit out of me, just cause I am so in tap with their feelings, I start to feel what they feel. And almost instantly I get emotional. It sounds crazy, but I seem to be like that, that I constantly have to keep myself in check. But I am still working on it. Cause firstly, it does not look professional if I am affected by snide comments given. Secondly it is just going to kill me emotionally when I am not the one being hurt.
I also realised that people kept asking me if I have found someone after the whole last half-year of drama-mama. And guys, sadly I am not as lucky as James. I may have dated some, and I may looked like I am surrounded by many. But honestly I’ve not found someone special to truly opened up my heart to. I thought I did at the end of the year, but alas somethings never seems what it would be. And it is best kept this way. Not that I am sad or unhappy about it, and it’s definietly a plus point to have a companion. Anyways, I do not wished to jump into the rabbit hole like I did before. And I certainly do not want to grab any tom-dick-harry. And to be honest, I am quite happy the way I am. Just cause commitment is the last thing I ever wanted, seeing the fact that I’m not ready. And I certainly do not want to go through another heartbreak like that ridiculous episode.
My birthday is coming, and I am trying with all my heart to be in denial and not to admit that I am turning a year old. And the fact that I am not very young anymore, and have no partner by my side. Or the fact that the plans I made straight after my graduation, crumbled after I turned 22 just last year. And now I am still trying to search and find myself again. Hahahah my life is so not planned and so unclear that I, myself found it utterly exciting and at the same time, scared shitless.
Anyways tomorrow, will be the last day of Feburary. Will it end of sweetly? I do not know, but there’s some good promises. We shall see (: