JUST Below Skin Deep

It is not easy to tell people how I really feel, and what I’ve truly been through.

Everything that I have said have always been on the surface. And No one can actually truly understand what I have gone through for the past months. People have noticed, and I am thankful for. But I can’t help it to continue on this spiralling path downwards.

When my sisters told me that they can still feel my pain, I can’t help but to hide further deep in my comfort zone. I can’t help but to build so many walls, that I myself can’t seem to break them down when I need to. I can’t help but not to open up to the idea of “falling in love” cause I pretty much don’t believe it.

Easter came and went, and I broke down knowing that I am still weak, trying to fight on to grab anything in sight just to pull myself up. But I refused to show what a fucked-up weakling I am, cause I am not. I refused to allow James to be happier than me, cause I know my worth. I refused to be weak in front of any guy, cause fucking hell I am wonderful and strong woman. I refused to cry, cause crying shows how weak I am.

I refused to be what I was in the past, and I refused anything less of what I deserved.

I know this sound all repetitive, but I can’t help it. No one can actually hear me cry and no one should hear me break. Cause I refuse to let anything of that shit happen. So all I have is myself, Twinkle and this little tiny page.

I have been seeing someone to break down to. And fucking hell, every session is a like a blast from the past, 2hrs of non-stop crying and reliving the moment. 2hrs of pain and sorrow. And 2hrs of being scared and alone. But for every 2hrs of pain, I managed to get through the whole week of life. All the pent-up feelings released within the 2hrs.

I am grateful for.

Enough of these.

At least I have my sisters, Lovely, Babeh, Darling, and Bunnyboy. Seriously cause without them in my life to make it a little better to move on, I will probably think about how fucked-up I am. And how these 10 months and counting have been a journey. A journey that I thought would be over, when 2011 starts.

I was full of life and ready to hit big with hope and passion. And how I came crashing back to square one of self-blame and self-judgemental. Self-blame, that is all that I have been doing. And truthfully, according to Mercy I have continue to be. When I shouldn’t be.

But all I need is time.

It is okay, it is Tuesday and it is time to have my weekly session of 2hrs. With Mercy.

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Just another girl

Always thinking, always wondering. living everyday. She is standing strong for herself, looking forward and always try to be positive. Now, tell her something that she don't already know.

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