It is not easy to tell people how I really feel, and what I’ve truly been through.
Everything that I have said have always been on the surface. And No one can actually truly understand what I have gone through for the past months. People have noticed, and I am thankful for. But I can’t help it to continue on this spiralling path downwards.
When my sisters told me that they can still feel my pain, I can’t help but to hide further deep in my comfort zone. I can’t help but to build so many walls, that I myself can’t seem to break them down when I need to. I can’t help but not to open up to the idea of “falling in love” cause I pretty much don’t believe it.
Easter came and went, and I broke down knowing that I am still weak, trying to fight on to grab anything in sight just to pull myself up. But I refused to show what a fucked-up weakling I am, cause I am not. I refused to allow James to be happier than me, cause I know my worth. I refused to be weak in front of any guy, cause fucking hell I am wonderful and strong woman. I refused to cry, cause crying shows how weak I am.
I refused to be what I was in the past, and I refused anything less of what I deserved.
I know this sound all repetitive, but I can’t help it. No one can actually hear me cry and no one should hear me break. Cause I refuse to let anything of that shit happen. So all I have is myself, Twinkle and this little tiny page.
I have been seeing someone to break down to. And fucking hell, every session is a like a blast from the past, 2hrs of non-stop crying and reliving the moment. 2hrs of pain and sorrow. And 2hrs of being scared and alone. But for every 2hrs of pain, I managed to get through the whole week of life. All the pent-up feelings released within the 2hrs.
I am grateful for.
Enough of these.
At least I have my sisters, Lovely, Babeh, Darling, and Bunnyboy. Seriously cause without them in my life to make it a little better to move on, I will probably think about how fucked-up I am. And how these 10 months and counting have been a journey. A journey that I thought would be over, when 2011 starts.
I was full of life and ready to hit big with hope and passion. And how I came crashing back to square one of self-blame and self-judgemental. Self-blame, that is all that I have been doing. And truthfully, according to Mercy I have continue to be. When I shouldn’t be.
But all I need is time.
It is okay, it is Tuesday and it is time to have my weekly session of 2hrs. With Mercy.