The secret

I know this post is rather interesting, absurd and highly random. But I feel I should type this, out. Maybe for future good read, if this little journal is still around.

I have been struck with a dilemma and honestly I am so scared to face it. Cause if I do, and things may go wayward. I will loose that special feeling. But naturally with that being said, I need to face it soon! Real soon, and make that before a birthday soon.

On an amazing Sunday (for the fact I have no work, because of term break), I had a minor meltdown and lashed it out on Fei. Well, it is kind of his fault for rubbing things the wrong way, and pushing the hell wrong buttons. Everything was going well for me, I am trying to keep things positive and light. I was happy, afraid but filled with excitement. I thought I had everything together, and maybe I am so sure of myself. And everything that has happened in those recent weeks, falls naturally.

I was starting to trust myself to trust my own intuition.

But after bringing up my dreadful past, I was crashed and deflated. I teared while texting, and was at loss end. I don’t understand how my bestfriend could be such a fucked-up person after what I have been telling him. What I have told him, no one knew, no one understand, no one feel. I thought given that we have been rely on each other (heavily), we could possibly understand just a little of what is actually going through in our head. We are both private people, and it is hard for us to open up and I thought he understand.

But nonetheless, boys will forever be boys. No matter how many life lesson you have tried to give them insight of, they will forever be in Mars.

All the recent fairytale that had unfold itself, unknowingly. Something that is so magical, that I thought how surreal can it be. To be able to be comfortable in my own skin, and with that gentle touch and look, it is ever so blissful. I remember those nights of just falling asleep in those arms, and those gentle kisses on the cheek. And all the daily night calls, endless giggles (I giggled, which says a lot) and crazy teasing always put a smile on my face before I sleep…

I started to believe. And maybe I was just swept off my feet.

How it happened, was crazy and insane. We went and took crazy roller coaster ride, and caught me off guard. I kept drawing those lines, but as days turned to weeks, and weeks went to month, the stupid damn line got blurry. And hell now, I am caught of staying on or walking away before I hurt myself AGAIN. It is like we have this unspoken aura between us, like no words are needed. But sometimes, girls needs a little assurance. And maybe, especially me.

Fei told me not to beat myself up too much, and trust that he is into me as much as I am into him. Cause men don’t do things for the sake of games (well not all men, anayways according to him). Knowing that I shouldn’t believe and rely on blind faith. I shall give that one last shot.

Somewhere on the internet, some said something about believing. When one have continued happy thought, one will received those thoughts and realised them in reality. So I have decided to give it a shot, to take that “leap of faith”. I am going to address the issue and most likely decide for myself, as to what would I want to do in those coming weeks.

What is looming in my mind, since yesterday.. Will be…

THE TALK.