I am still trying to stay happy, but the days are hard and the night are even harder. I don’t know what is more upsetting, to end a love that never die, or to know that I not worthy. I don’t know if it is the right thing to do, to let go of you and hold onto my life that I have always been for the past 24years of it. We made the world happy, but are we happy? Am I happy, and are you happy.
I tried to be happy, but all I can hear is the ripping of my heart. Tears uncontrollably roll down my cheeks, and I am losing every senses of myself. Everyday, work fills me up nicely. But soon the school will be done, and what am I supposed to do then. I can’t face the 4 walls constantly. And I don’t have anyone to talk to. You know me, I always keep everything inside, everything.
You always tried to make me tell you what I felt, I remembered.
But I will smile, even if it hurts. I will look happy, even when I am killing myself inside.
I miss every small details of you, and the comfort you have brought me immensely. And all the moments of you reading me quietly. As much as your memory is failing you, you still remember a lot about my habits and schedule that always surprise me. I tried to find some comfort in a friend, but it is not the same. He maybe able to keep me sane, an whiteboy who always knows what to say. But the feeling is not the same, you left an empty hole, and I am still tearing where ever I went.
I know I need to move on, and fast with whatever methods I can think of. That was what I did in the past, but this time round, it is different. It is actually scary to think that I am still waiting for you to fight for me. That scary sinking feeling, that is making me be on the standstill. I hate that and I hate the abandonment. But as much as I hate it, I understands it as well. People on the outside, may not understand what is it like and starts judging and it hurts to hear some stuff. I hate to understand where this will be heading, for the scenario kept playing in my mind, constantly.
I knew that the road down is hard, and we needed a miracle. But sadly they are your parents, the most traditional kind. I can’t pit myself against them, I know what will happen in the future. I looked at my mom, my ever tired mom, and I know what is ahead of us.
I am losing so much sleep that I am constantly drained. I am falling sick, riding on a fever. Losing every sense of hunger and my eyes are permanently swollen. All I need is to move on, but why is it harder to do so now that before. Maybe I do need to leave this country for awhile.