Taking a shower is the hardest thing, for me nowadays. Staring at myself, at my body and I saw myself so fragile, so thin that I scare myself.
The last time, I am that thin, was almost 7 years ago. When I was having so much stress with school and how bad, I kept thinking to myself, I am as a dancer. How one dance could screw my self confidence. And that bad moment still haunts me, even if I always lied to myself otherwise.
It’s bad, in a different scenario. As much as I am trying so hard to move forward, it’s still so difficult for me. Unknowingly my lifestyle changed, my eating habit sucks. And there I am staring at myself in the mirror, stark naked, bones and all. My face looked old, so tired. And I am just not ready to face my birthday feeling like that.
I just don’t know how.
I am still trying, but as tired as I am, I can’t seemed to move on faster than I moved on with James. I am scared, scared shit about the days in loom. I am on a verge of a meltdown in my own corner. I need something. Right now. Someone, some work, some new apartment, something.
What is wrong, with me?
What makes this scenario different from every setback I have with James, and every other guys I have dated?
But the door have closed. I will do whatever to keep it close.