I always wonder how my mother do it. How she can go through all these years fighting and staying on with my father. How she pulled through, even though she shiver in sadness and fear.
How did she?
No I am not talking about the bad marriage my parents have. Or that my father had an affair.
It’s about her perseverance she had for her in-laws, namely my grandparents. Everyday I shiver in fear even before marriage or anything more serious with Andrew. Everyday I wonder what’s my life be like with his parents. And tonight I shiver in fear as I hear his father raise his voice beyond any control.
On a daily basis, this is a norm. I wonder how my life is in the office and back home, every single day for the rest of my life.
What will it be like?
No parents should behave the way they do. No parents should treat their children like they are dumb. I can’t bring myself to be in their position.
That they are businessmen, and that the business they run are massive and involve millions.
That it’s a closely knitted and closely run business. That nothing is leaked to the outside people. Everything are in their loop, calculative and in the know how.
That his father is trying to teach their sons, to be a better businessmen to take over in the near future.
Or at least I try to.
I genuinely feel so stupid among them. And I am starting to be tired of that feeling. I don’t know.
What can I do to help him? I have nothing for now.
What can I do to be of some help? I have nothing. In their eyes, I know. I know that I am just “useless”.
How long does it take to shake off this long-standing feeling. The feeling of redundant and ridiculous. The feeling of lousy and useless. The feeling of worthless and non-existent.
How long can I take all these before I break. Am I strong enough for this family look-down.
What’s my worth in this world?