Today I am a fool.
A big one. A fool that have no idea where to hide her face, feeling every bit like an ostrich, and wanting to bury her face into the ground.
I have come to realization that I am doing so much that I have finally lost myself. Is it all worth it? To bend over backwards to please and seek approval that even my parents wouldn’t need it. Who am I really doing for? For myself? Or for them?
Sitting here alone, lost and not knowing what to do next sucks. It really do, and it showed how alone I am on this journey. I feel like fish out of the water, uncertain and unclear of my future and path.
Best of all, unclear of myself.
Who am I again? Who is Denise? I am losing sight and losing goal. Just not confident anymore.
Just yesterday, Andrew told me that I don’t have a sense of humor anymore. And I am so tense, and can’t take joke anymore. It’s true, I feel myself so unlike myself. I am no longer the person, everyone knew. No longer carefree or relax.
Tense is the word.
I feel myself afraid of everything, that I have nothing, not even myself. Where would I go? Try and rewind and revert to my job as an educator and try to compete with the fresh graduates and start from ground zero? Can I even?
Today, I am the biggest fool.