Mid year

Last night, was interesting. I went out to socialise, only to realise how lonely I am. I was introduced to a bunch of people whom, isn’t too bothered, with nonchalant vibe of the “power” and the “rich”. And here I was, the tiny Dancer who isn’t worthy of the air they so breathe in. 

Empty clinking of cocktail glasses, and meaningless conversations and small talks, seriously make me wonder why did I even bother. Then I remember that I needed to be out, in the society of emptiness. Because that how the world works, the powerful will gather, and the rich will make sure they know the rich. The vicious cycle that managed to make the world as it is, soulless and utterly grey. 

Grey. 

How grey last night was. Here I was bored to tears, with no one to talk to, and here my old “Friend”, H, trying his best, to make known around the table. Being introduced as his girl, is the last thing I want. Honestly, I looked on, in utter dismay and tinge of redundancy. 

Why am I here again?! 

Just as I want to leave, another older Friend made an effort to swing by, after I blatantly ignore all text messages. Because well everything is pointless at this stage. Arms after arms around my waist, or on my shoulder, talking on top of me, it was not flattering. Half of the time, I don’t even make an effort to remember anyone. Let alone these people whom I will never see again.  

But yet, I was so glad to see him. 

At 36, he is still so dashing and pretty much so exotic. He looked just the same, 7 years ago. The physical, and his intense eyes, sparkles when our eyes meet. That big teddy bear hug, and the soft whisper into my ears. 

“I can’t believe that you haven’t aged. And in fact you looked more gorgeous than I ever remembered”. 

His relaxed and “totally can’t be bothered” laugh and his infectious passion for children and competition. I was feeding off him, every inch of my body remember his so well, from the intense talks to the even more electrifying touch. 
Suddenly everyone around us was aware of this chemistry, like we have never parted ever before. We just pick right off, from where we left. And everything was old but comforting. Even my old Friend, H, was annoyed by my sudden attention on this 36 year old man. Now that was funny, seeing him trying to get into between us, like a puppy dying for attention. But I wasn’t interested anymore. 

Eventually it was just me and him, in darkness and nightlight. Memories rushed back, like waves hitting the shoreline. The old music ring deep and loud into our ears, it was like a cruel playback of how we meet 7 years ago. So much to do, so little time. But time, isn’t and will never be on our side. He is happily married and I am happily lost in translation. We talked, and wondered what is it like if we were actually together. 

“It would be magical”, as he caress my face, looking into my eyes so intensely. 

Probably we will have too much fun together and maybe that is why we never actually got together seriously. But yet, probably we have so much fun that we will not let go of each other. Regret, I asked him. Whether he regretted, and he could only give me a sheepish smile. My stomach twisted in knots when I see that smile, as he stroke my hair.

Yes, I have missed him. 

Yes I have missed that passion of his. The excitement when he talked about his children and all the accomplishments. His life was so similar to mine, and yet so different. I missed those late night calls and talks, very random but very exciting. We were so young once. 

So young. 

And that strong hold, oh how I have missed that body of his, wrapped around me. But all I could have now is that longing single goodbye hug as we parted ways, and probably meet another 3 years later on. 

See you again my old friend.

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Plans and the next year. 

With the concert finally done and over with. I reflect on the year as it’s coming to a close. 

Never think that I’ll come back in a fucking full circle to where I started. I never think that I’ll restart and redo, but I did. Worked with children all over, and I’m glad that I did. They taught me new found patience, and New experiences. 

The kids have so much potential and I’m glad that I’m giving myself another chance to work with these bunch of fun-loving, hair pulling, nonsensical children. From my babies of 2.5 to my big girls at 10. They gave me so much joy and pain at the same time. 

Moving forward, I undertook an new role and hopefully and more pernament one. I became full time. It’s time to settle down for sure, and proceed with life happiness. With or without anyone by my side. 

But I honestly glad that I still have so many close friends by my side. I’m so thankful, even though I largely still trapped in my own Colour and world, these close one are still there at the gate waiting for me. No judgement. No frown upon on. 

And to my partner, who never failed to make me as happy as I can possibly be Everyday. All those small matter, mattered so much. And you took great length to make me happy. No pressure, no expectations, no ideas forced onto me. 

You tried and continued to accept me for who I am, emotions and vulnerability. Thank you. 

“I admire your strength and joy when you talk about these children. Seeing you smile makes me want to love you more every single day”. 

And secretly, to my only Sister. Finally married and before me of course. I was a little sad, a little nostalgic. Thinking of all the planning I did. But my family have been sensitive towards me and I’m so grateful. I still remember the date that I’m supposed to be a Mrs. Maybe it will take another year to forget, maybe I’ll never forget. But seeing my Sister so happy, I can’t help but to feel that love is still out there. Somewhere. 

Somewhere waiting to shower every inch of warmth in this still cold heart. 

I’m still hopeful, but probably need to take a huge faith and an undying love from a man whom will hold me so fircerly and closely that I suffocate in that burning love. 

Somewhere. 

Last of 2015

  
Dear 2015, 

Thank you for the 365 days of what you gave me. Thank you for the tears. Thank you for the joys. Thank you for the soul searching. Thank you for the holidays trips. Thank you for the lessons learnt. Thank you for my self-discovery. Thank you for allowing me to be who I am, being true to myself. And finally thank you for allowing me to take control and take charge for my own happiness. 

I am finally letting you go, you gave me so much and now, I am ushering in the fabulous 2016. Cheers to the next 365 days of adventures. 

Love, 

Xiao Xiao

Just another month 

Just one more month, and 2015 is finally over. 

A Friend text me quite randomly asking me if I have achieve what I should be doing for the year 2015. I couldn’t answer him straight into his face, and lied a simple “yes, but could be better”. I couldn’t tell him how bad the year unfold and unravel itself. I simply can’t.

I was so embarrassed. 

A lot that I thought I got it all in the bag, are actually thrown, sprawl all over the place. 
Got to keep myself walking, forward and slowly picking those things up again. 

  

Welcome

2015.

That’s fast. In a blink of an eye, 6months have passed, and I am still struggling to be the “businesswoman” that I need to be. Difficult, and always in tears. And sometime upset with myself that I lost Denise along the way, but nonetheless I must push on.

This new year, we celebrate a little calmer. What fireworks and heavy drinking? No more for that, especially you know what sort of people are leeching onto you. Nope. No more. This time is good genuine friends that pays and make Merry with you because they want to. Not because of the alcohol you buy.

For this, I am grateful. Friendship forge out from happy-go-lucky moments.

Plus, best sushi and sake place, what more can I ask for. Laughter and music. Food and drinks. Friends and love. Best awesome group ever.

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This year, I am going to learn how to drive. Not because I want to. But because I need to. For that I shld but myself a big present, to reward this Denise for compromising again.

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Tomorrow will be another celebration. Back to back for the past two weeks, after tomorrow my body definitely needs a break!

Rain and love.

What a good Christmas week I had in the long while. It’s not about the fireworks and sparkles. Or even about the champagne shower and glamour. It all about being with someone whom looked at you with love in his eyes and that quiet silent between us.

I am truly in love.

The decision to come home for Christmas is the best decision made by far. We woke up to roast some potatoes and pork for family dinner. And to be home in the festive colours of red and gold, and have a scrumptious family dinner, it was blissful.

All of us. Even Andy was there to have a full dinner. It was simple and beautiful. Everyone I love, are together to have a dinner together.

Eating sure brings people together.

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Everyone is slowly being closer together, and I am just blessed. Everything just feel so in place, like everything fall in just right. Andrew’s parents are slowly opening up to me, and it’s a warm feeling. Although I have a long way to go, I will take small step and climb slowly into my future.

New year is coming. And exactly one year ago, it will be different.

Exactly one year ago, it’s was butter pain. Exactly one year ago, it was eyes and love. Exactly one year ago, all I felt was heartache.

This year will be different. This year, we love openly and passionately. This year, will be a special when it end.

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