Mid year

Last night, was interesting. I went out to socialise, only to realise how lonely I am. I was introduced to a bunch of people whom, isn’t too bothered, with nonchalant vibe of the “power” and the “rich”. And here I was, the tiny Dancer who isn’t worthy of the air they so breathe in. 

Empty clinking of cocktail glasses, and meaningless conversations and small talks, seriously make me wonder why did I even bother. Then I remember that I needed to be out, in the society of emptiness. Because that how the world works, the powerful will gather, and the rich will make sure they know the rich. The vicious cycle that managed to make the world as it is, soulless and utterly grey. 


How grey last night was. Here I was bored to tears, with no one to talk to, and here my old “Friend”, H, trying his best, to make known around the table. Being introduced as his girl, is the last thing I want. Honestly, I looked on, in utter dismay and tinge of redundancy. 

Why am I here again?! 

Just as I want to leave, another older Friend made an effort to swing by, after I blatantly ignore all text messages. Because well everything is pointless at this stage. Arms after arms around my waist, or on my shoulder, talking on top of me, it was not flattering. Half of the time, I don’t even make an effort to remember anyone. Let alone these people whom I will never see again.  

But yet, I was so glad to see him. 

At 36, he is still so dashing and pretty much so exotic. He looked just the same, 7 years ago. The physical, and his intense eyes, sparkles when our eyes meet. That big teddy bear hug, and the soft whisper into my ears. 

“I can’t believe that you haven’t aged. And in fact you looked more gorgeous than I ever remembered”. 

His relaxed and “totally can’t be bothered” laugh and his infectious passion for children and competition. I was feeding off him, every inch of my body remember his so well, from the intense talks to the even more electrifying touch. 
Suddenly everyone around us was aware of this chemistry, like we have never parted ever before. We just pick right off, from where we left. And everything was old but comforting. Even my old Friend, H, was annoyed by my sudden attention on this 36 year old man. Now that was funny, seeing him trying to get into between us, like a puppy dying for attention. But I wasn’t interested anymore. 

Eventually it was just me and him, in darkness and nightlight. Memories rushed back, like waves hitting the shoreline. The old music ring deep and loud into our ears, it was like a cruel playback of how we meet 7 years ago. So much to do, so little time. But time, isn’t and will never be on our side. He is happily married and I am happily lost in translation. We talked, and wondered what is it like if we were actually together. 

“It would be magical”, as he caress my face, looking into my eyes so intensely. 

Probably we will have too much fun together and maybe that is why we never actually got together seriously. But yet, probably we have so much fun that we will not let go of each other. Regret, I asked him. Whether he regretted, and he could only give me a sheepish smile. My stomach twisted in knots when I see that smile, as he stroke my hair.

Yes, I have missed him. 

Yes I have missed that passion of his. The excitement when he talked about his children and all the accomplishments. His life was so similar to mine, and yet so different. I missed those late night calls and talks, very random but very exciting. We were so young once. 

So young. 

And that strong hold, oh how I have missed that body of his, wrapped around me. But all I could have now is that longing single goodbye hug as we parted ways, and probably meet another 3 years later on. 

See you again my old friend.


Just because 

Read a page from Thought Catalog: 


Just realised, how much  I have forgotten about you. Your IC number, Passport number, your handphone numbers and all your habits. As much as I thought that it will be deep etched into my mind, sadly and somehow that’s not the case. 


I don’t think about how you make me feel. There was too much time spent chasing that feeling. The feeling that came when you looked at me and I felt safe, loved, whole. Too much time has been wasted reaching into the depths of my memories just to dig myself into a comfortable state of nostalgia. Pushing myself into memories is just one more thing that kept you close to me, in some way. But keeping you close isn’t something I need to do anymore. It’s not something I want to do anymore.
After a breakup, all we want to hear, and all we want to say, is that we won’t forget the other person: we’ll keep them close to our hearts, always. There is no metaphor we won’t reach for in order to say, in a roundabout, far-reaching way, that we don’t want them to forget about us. But the more I think back to anytime I promised you I’d keep you close, the more I realize how unfair that was to me. Promising to keep you close was just one more thing that kept me from moving on.
I don’t think about how you’re doing without me. Spending my days hoping that you were still pining for me was too exhausting. Draining back-to-back-to-back hours wondering if you were thinking about me, playing with the idea that maybe our parting would be the first step toward a stronger version of us, was a lot of waiting and not much else. I am not waiting on you, or hoping one of us will change our minds.
I don’t know what you do with your days, or how you spend your time anymore. I have no concept of your routine, give no second thought to the schedule I used to know as well as you knew mine. I’ve forgotten whether you’re a morning or a night person because it no longer affects my sleep schedule.

I no longer want to be reminded of the way your hands felt folded in mind, the way your arms pulled me in. I am done remembering the parts of you that aren’t there anymore. Maybe the best parts of you only existed between us. If so, I am happy that I helped those parts of you surface, happy I was there to share those moments with you. But I can’t spend more time searching for qualities you once had, or love we once shared.
I don’t know your number anymore, and my fingertips have lost the muscle memory that once subconsciously typed in the ten digits that instantly connected me to you. The same muscle memory that would allow me to respond to your text before stopping myself.
I have no knowledge of what your life is any more — and finally, I’ve learned that that’s alright.
Love is most confusing when we are simultaneously trying to hold on to it and let it go. For so long, holding on seemed fruitless, but letting go seemed impossible. But knowing that you aren’t a huge part of my life anymore doesn’t scare me, nor does it discount what we once shared. I do not feel empty or incomplete. I only feel like I know who I am outside of you — outside of us. And that’s how I know I’m over you.

One of the many..

   The world is so huge, and I am just another person. 
One of my Sister just text me, telling me that I am all grown up. I supposed I took awhile. Make that a long while! 

For now, it’s going to be just me, myself and I. Me against the world. But the world is simply too beautiful to go against. 

I was foolish to think that I am all that. For now til the last day of 2015, I will look back and just smile at all my fortunes, and all those who stood by me at my worst. 

Thank you